I looked around at everything in sight and suddenly felt completely overwhelmed.
All I saw were unfinished projects,
Things to be done,
And work that was never accomplished.
I felt like a failure.
My business isn't growing much.
My social life is basically nonexistent.
I am good at some things, but never great at anything.
I get excited to start projects, but I don't finish them.
For example, this blog started off with a lot more consistent posts than it has now.
My business social media is now losing followers because I am slacking on the marketing.
At least these were all the things I was telling myself last night.
I was telling myself that I could never succeed.
I was believing my critics and ignoring my supporters,
With myself being the greatest critic of all.
I wondered if my writing style was too "all over the place".
I questioned if I should even write at all.
"Maybe if I wrote in paragraphs it would be better", I thought.
Or maybe I shouldn't be so straightforward about my beliefs.
Recently, I had someone tell me that I repeated myself too much in my writing.
I also went back to read a few blogs and found several typos.
"Why does anyone even want to read this if I mess up so much?", I thought.
Not to mention, I recently applied for a copywriting job and was rejected after interviewing.
...Just icing on the cake.
So with that being said, the thoughts eventually evolved into a full-blown panic attack.
Of course, here I am writing a blog about it.
You may be wondering why I would do such a thing.
Well, after I freaked out, I started to realize something.
I realized that I stink at writing, and I stink at business, and I fail at life.
Just kidding..well kinda.
Here's the catch.
I do stink at everything I do UNLESS I am passionate about it and using it to encourage others.
I stink unless I am doing it to show the love of Jesus to a hurting world.
I stink if I am sitting around telling myself I stink and not being who I am called to be.
Yes, I just used the word "stink" a bunch of times in a row!
And no, I'm not using paragraphs because structure isn't natural for me!
But guess what?! That is my style and it is the best way I can get the words out of my head.
This is how I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts.
What counts is if my writing is an encouragement to those who read it.
I could be a horrible writer and I could get rejected by the whole world but as long as I am trying to help people, then I know that I am not a failure.
I know because God told me what I need to do to succeed in this life already in His Word.
He tells me that I am good enough.
He doesn't say I have to be the best at everything or have a growing business, or even make money for that matter.
He just says to do what He has called me to do.
Now what is it He has called me to do exactly?
Oh yes, He says to love people and to spread the gospel to the ends of the earth.
Ok, so now I just need to focus on that?
I decided last night that I am making a transition.
I'm done being overwhelmed with trying to "make a living".
I am finished trying to prove my identity through what I do, rather than through who I am.
It has come to a point where my business and my goals aren't helping me reach my calling.
I have been so focused on trying to make sales, that I have forgotten my business is supposed to primarily exist to encourage others and point to Jesus.
It may look like it is still centered around that, but my own heart isn't there anymore.
I have been caught up in the orders, the products, and the marketing.
I haven't been passionate about it for a long time and I've finally realized that it isn't helping me love people, but rather it is keeping me so overwhelmed that I can't focus on others at all.
Moreover, I am not taking care of my own needs and my health is being affected.
So I am going to make a change.
I have decided to go back to what I know God has called me to.
I know He wants me to lead others in worship, participate in international missions and use my words to inspire.
Anything that takes my focus off of those three areas is just going to have to end.
Yes, even my business.
I am shutting it down.
All in all, I feel relieved.
Of course I will be sad to lose my business, Modest Gold, after all I have done to build it up for the past couple of years.
It feels like so much work will just disappear,
But at the same time, it feels right.
I learned a lot along the way.
Honestly, just trusting God to provide could be the key to all of this.
For years I have worried that I could possibly get stuck in a mediocre job doing something I hate forever.
I have feared being tied down, but now I see that He just wants me to be content at all times.
Ironically, I lose my contentment when I try to do everything on my own.
If what I do is keeping me from building others up, or if it is causing me to feel torn apart then it isn't worth doing at all.
This is going to be a big change for me.
I think I might finally regain my social life, rather than being busy all the time.
I think this blog will be much more fulfilling because I really do enjoy encouraging you all.
Maybe I won't be the best writer in the world but that doesn't mean I'm not good enough to do exactly what God has placed me here to do.
In fact, I am the very best me and no one else will ever be my rival because my purpose is unique.
Yours is too.
So let's stop worrying about how many followers we have online or how much money we are making.
Let's just do what we are called to do and build each other up.
Let's love like it's all the matters in the world.
Any thoughts coming from the enemy are lies.
All of those thoughts I was having last night and honestly for quite some time now, have been lies.
I am not saying that I will never think another negative thought again, but I do believe that filtering out the distractions in my life will help me focus on being still more often.
Stillness is the solution to a renewed mind.
I am surrendering the fear of living a mundane life to God.
I am done trying to make my lofty dreams happen, if it keeps me from presently acknowledging Jesus.
I am believing that He will give me the desires of my heart as long as I delight in Him, and not in my own talents or work ethic.
He is able to do exceedingly more than I could ever imagine.
My dreams are in His hands, and I am choosing contentment over chaos.
Yes, I may have uncompleted projects and to-do lists lying around but I love God more than I love that stuff and I love people more, too.
The best part of all is even if I feel like things are unfinished in my life, God is not finished with me yet and He has a much better plan for me.
Not only that, but He will complete every single thing He has ever started and it will all work together for good.
He will do the same for you.
So I encourage you to come with me on this new journey and give up anything that is occupying your mind to the point where you can't fulfill your calling to encourage others and be a light.
It could even just be negative thoughts about yourself that you need to get rid of.
Trust me, I have struggled with anxiety and depression for a very long time so I know how thoughts can be hard to control.
The key is to get rid of the root of the anxiety that is causing you to think poorly of yourself.
Maybe you are setting the standards too high and never feeling capable, like I have been lately.
Whatever it is, give it to God.
So far, I already feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders after last night and I hope you will too.
You know, maybe I did repeat myself too many times in this post,
And maybe I went off subject a few times.
Sorry, I'm not perfect and you know what?
For once I am beginning to believe that possibly my imperfections are perfectly ok.
"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained." Philippians 3:12-16
"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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